Blockbuster

I think I miss the smell of blockbuster. Or maybe just the feeling of walking up and down the aisles back when those were my most difficult decisions to make. Navigating walls of new releases versus everything else. Negotiating five more minutes felt like such an enormous feat when time felt longer, more spacious in every direction. But now I’m standing here in the only patch of shady sidewalk I could find thinking about how time’s an illusion or rather it’s moving faster like they warned it would. And how there are at least 365 days between now and when we last sat under the big tree to watch the sky light up. Pinks reds blues and other hues. We waited for the crowd to dissolve and it felt intuitive like maybe your brain was reading mine or mine yours.

But it’s today not yesterday or any of the days I’m thinking of and my body is doing that thing it does whenever it’s trying to tell me something. Maybe it’s the 99 degrees because I feel sick again and I’m thinking about how all that’s left is a combination of ten digits which is too many for an average brain to memorize and isn’t it strange how a person can dissolve like that. They say it burns if you think about it too much so I’m switching the subject.

They told me I don’t look like a Sarah and I nodded like I knew what they meant by that. Still my name is spelled incorrectly most mornings with a sharpie or any other form of false permanence and I’ve been keeping track because it’s funny but I’m hoping it’s funny on its own and not just because of that one time you mentioned it to be. I wonder if we’ll ever know the difference while I walk home for my third shower and another dress. I want to see if it makes me feel a change sometimes clothes can work like that but not today.