I kept blaming the city for things. My shortcomings. All of that time wasted in my car. The price of gas. The perfectly boring weather. My insatiable desire for the intangible perhaps. Certainly whatever it was I looking for couldn’t be hidden in that tiny town I clung to could it? I kept digging anyways. Runs from the house to the water and back. I didn’t even like to run. But moving like that felt good. Up and down the hundred steps to the sand. I checked my chest in between stretches of sidewalk to make sure my necklace was still clasped around my neck. I’d grown used to the way the gold heart beat back and forth against my collarbone with each stride. Past the library with the tiny parking lot. Around the golf course where we used to walk the dog and watch the sun fade behind the hills. Back past your neighborhood and to the corner store with my favorite bubble gum behind the counter. Down the hill to the edge of our high school’s track and field. Remember when they killed all of the grass right before graduation? A field of brown spray-painted green in a hurry. I couldn’t wait to leave. Still the sight of every building stung a little. Something like an unfinished song. I miss it all on some nights and for no reason in particular. Maybe I just missed the idea of it but how was I supposed to know the difference anymore.
